A friend asked me to share my thoughts on girls asking guys out on dates, so here it goes.
While the traditional dating mindset dictates that a girl asking a guy out is unordinary, I think that (like most things) it is what you make of it. You know, the glass half empty/half full concept. The girl doing the asking could be viewed negatively, as if she’s desperate for a date. Or the girl could be viewed admirably as someone who is brave enough to think and act outside the box. I think a common mistake is to wrinkle up one’s nose and instantly dismiss the notion without looking at the particulars of a given situation.
That said, I have a few thoughts (guidelines if you will) on how this practice might be approached. To the girls who may consider using this tactic:
You should only go out once (as the direct result of you asking); let the guy take things from there. If you take it any further than one date, then you could be setting a poor precedent on which any foundation would be built upon (unless you have an overwhelming desire to wear the pants in the relationship and you think the dude you’re crushing on is cool with that. . .). Also, you can’t expect a second date merely because you asked the guy out. That’s a mild form of quid pro quo, and certainly is not a healthy dating principle.
To me, the role reversal is most appropriate after you shut a guy down – whether intentionally (but later have a change of heart) or unintentionally – this may be the only way to ever know if dating will ever work for you two. Once rejected, most guys will likely not consider asking you out again. Going out on a limb sucks to begin with, and having that limb chopped while you’re out there is even worse, so if the guy feels like he’s been served up a plate of rejection then he likely has a bad association with whomever played the part of server. It’s typically easier to move on to the next girl who hasn’t shut him down. So, if you don’t want the opportunity to pass you by, take initiative and throw him a bone! You may not even need to ask him out; just more attention and some flirting will often be enough. It does depend on how big the serving of rejection was though, so keep that in mind (from the guy’s perspective, the best you can).
Those are my thoughts. If you have anything to add or any follow-up questions, feel free to leave a comment!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Top Ten Albums
While I listen to a wide variety of music when it comes to single tracks, my love for alternative rock shows when the discussion revolves around whole albums. These albums are all so incredibly solid all the way through; I had a really tough time deciding on the order. If you enjoy alternative and don’t own these albums, I recommend you buy them all!
1. New Found Glory – Coming Home
2. Jimmy Eat World – Chase This Light
3. Evans Blue – The Pursuit Begins When This Portrayal of Life Ends
4. Saosin – Saosin
5. Evanescence – Fallen
6. The Killers – Sam’s Town
7. The All-American Rejects – Move Along
8. Evans Blue – The Melody and the Energetic Nature of Volume
9. Sum 41 – Chuck
10. Linkin Park – Meteora
Honorable Mention
Incubus – Morning View
Pinback – Summer in Abaddon
Brand New – Deja Entendu
Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory
Teddybears – Soft Machine
1. New Found Glory – Coming Home
2. Jimmy Eat World – Chase This Light
3. Evans Blue – The Pursuit Begins When This Portrayal of Life Ends
4. Saosin – Saosin
5. Evanescence – Fallen
6. The Killers – Sam’s Town
7. The All-American Rejects – Move Along
8. Evans Blue – The Melody and the Energetic Nature of Volume
9. Sum 41 – Chuck
10. Linkin Park – Meteora
Honorable Mention
Incubus – Morning View
Pinback – Summer in Abaddon
Brand New – Deja Entendu
Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory
Teddybears – Soft Machine
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Cliques
For the record, yes, that is the correct spelling of what sounds like “clicks.” It’s a French word (big surprise) with its origins in the early 1700’s. Hooray for useless information!
Webster’s defines clique as “a narrow circle of persons associated by common interests or for the accomplishment of a common purpose; -- generally used in a bad sense.” I think of a clique as any group of friends that hangs out with the same three or five or whatever number of people. The pattern is consistent and little effort is made to include others.
Cliques, despite the bad connotation that Webster’s cites, do provide some legitimate benefits. It’s great to have good friends. It’s also great to have people to do things with. A clique can provide both of these. Having a tight group provides some sense of security; most of us prefer the company of others in favor of solitude and having a tight group often fosters a dynamic of an unspoken rule that you just plan to hang out. Comfort level is also an important consideration. The more one is familiar with another, the easier it becomes to enjoy oneself. A clique can provide a venue where one’s comfort level can be increased and, therefore, a better time can be had.
To go along with why Webster’s states that the term clique is often used negatively, I have some criticisms about cliques. Clique is often synonymous with exclusive, and exclusivity builds walls between people. Also, since cliques allow its members to have a heightened sense of comfort, inside jokes are much more common. Generally, inside jokes are a lot of fun and can strengthen relationships between those who are “in the know.” However, whenever an inside joke is referenced around a person or an entire group that isn’t familiar with the joke, it also builds walls. Inside jokes, when unwisely used, are still fun for those involved, but make everyone else feel uncomfortable or left out. They ultimately have exclusivity written all over them.
I have heard about and been involved with discussions about cliques in the past. As a general rule, change is very difficult and is not desired by most people in this world. Most people prefer to stay in their comfort zone. Not surprisingly, someone who is in a clique prefers to stay in the clique. When this topic comes up in some kind of discussion, whoever is in a clique usually tries to justify why they shouldn’t do anything about their situation. The most common rationalization I’ve heard is that the person and/or the person’s clique invites others to participate; there is some effort made to befriend others or invite others to outings. Such an effort is largely futile. Even when an invitation is extended sincerely, many times the person being invited will not go purely because they don’t think they’ll be comfortable. A wall has been erected around the clique and most people have a hard time getting past that obstacle. Inversely, some people decide not to attend an event because they themselves are in a clique. Perhaps other clique members are out of town, so the comfort level of whomever remains is also out of town.
There is one other point I’d like to bring up, and this item is what keeps me from getting cliquey: the negative impact a clique can have on someone’s spiritual well-being. Suppose that Johnny hasn’t been to church in some time. He’s a nice guy, works hard, but just hasn’t made church a priority in his life. Over time, his parents’ urging for him to go back and the fond memories he had of church when he was younger instill in him the desire to go to attend meetings one Sunday. He hasn’t committed to going back to church every week, but if he has a good experience this Sunday he will certainly consider doing so. Well, Johnny goes to the church meetings, but he doesn’t feel comfortable introducing himself to people, so he keeps to himself.
What could happen next? Other people who are in attendance could introduce themselves to Johnny, sit by him, and get to know him. Or, nothing. The members of the congregation could easily not even notice that Johnny is in the meeting, no one shakes Johnny’s hand or says hi, and Johnny will likely not return. It’s my experience that the latter happens more often than not, and that the number one reason why others don’t seek out those who are new is because they are occupied chatting with the same people they hung out with the day before, often fellow clique goers. If you think that you can’t possibly know who is new and who isn’t, it could be that you are in a clique and haven’t made a solid effort to get to know others through various activities on an ongoing basis.
I’ve identified some of the pros and cons of cliques and interactions that resemble cliques. I’m not trying to point fingers at anyone; I’m merely seeking to broaden your perspective. It’s a constant struggle for me personally not to fall into the comfortable pattern of being in a clique, but when I think of Johnny, I think not of this fictitious character, but rather all the friends I have who have been a Johnny at some point in time. I hope you will join with me not in searching for excuses why not to include and fellowship others, but rather in searching for ways to make others feel welcome.
Webster’s defines clique as “a narrow circle of persons associated by common interests or for the accomplishment of a common purpose; -- generally used in a bad sense.” I think of a clique as any group of friends that hangs out with the same three or five or whatever number of people. The pattern is consistent and little effort is made to include others.
Cliques, despite the bad connotation that Webster’s cites, do provide some legitimate benefits. It’s great to have good friends. It’s also great to have people to do things with. A clique can provide both of these. Having a tight group provides some sense of security; most of us prefer the company of others in favor of solitude and having a tight group often fosters a dynamic of an unspoken rule that you just plan to hang out. Comfort level is also an important consideration. The more one is familiar with another, the easier it becomes to enjoy oneself. A clique can provide a venue where one’s comfort level can be increased and, therefore, a better time can be had.
To go along with why Webster’s states that the term clique is often used negatively, I have some criticisms about cliques. Clique is often synonymous with exclusive, and exclusivity builds walls between people. Also, since cliques allow its members to have a heightened sense of comfort, inside jokes are much more common. Generally, inside jokes are a lot of fun and can strengthen relationships between those who are “in the know.” However, whenever an inside joke is referenced around a person or an entire group that isn’t familiar with the joke, it also builds walls. Inside jokes, when unwisely used, are still fun for those involved, but make everyone else feel uncomfortable or left out. They ultimately have exclusivity written all over them.
I have heard about and been involved with discussions about cliques in the past. As a general rule, change is very difficult and is not desired by most people in this world. Most people prefer to stay in their comfort zone. Not surprisingly, someone who is in a clique prefers to stay in the clique. When this topic comes up in some kind of discussion, whoever is in a clique usually tries to justify why they shouldn’t do anything about their situation. The most common rationalization I’ve heard is that the person and/or the person’s clique invites others to participate; there is some effort made to befriend others or invite others to outings. Such an effort is largely futile. Even when an invitation is extended sincerely, many times the person being invited will not go purely because they don’t think they’ll be comfortable. A wall has been erected around the clique and most people have a hard time getting past that obstacle. Inversely, some people decide not to attend an event because they themselves are in a clique. Perhaps other clique members are out of town, so the comfort level of whomever remains is also out of town.
There is one other point I’d like to bring up, and this item is what keeps me from getting cliquey: the negative impact a clique can have on someone’s spiritual well-being. Suppose that Johnny hasn’t been to church in some time. He’s a nice guy, works hard, but just hasn’t made church a priority in his life. Over time, his parents’ urging for him to go back and the fond memories he had of church when he was younger instill in him the desire to go to attend meetings one Sunday. He hasn’t committed to going back to church every week, but if he has a good experience this Sunday he will certainly consider doing so. Well, Johnny goes to the church meetings, but he doesn’t feel comfortable introducing himself to people, so he keeps to himself.
What could happen next? Other people who are in attendance could introduce themselves to Johnny, sit by him, and get to know him. Or, nothing. The members of the congregation could easily not even notice that Johnny is in the meeting, no one shakes Johnny’s hand or says hi, and Johnny will likely not return. It’s my experience that the latter happens more often than not, and that the number one reason why others don’t seek out those who are new is because they are occupied chatting with the same people they hung out with the day before, often fellow clique goers. If you think that you can’t possibly know who is new and who isn’t, it could be that you are in a clique and haven’t made a solid effort to get to know others through various activities on an ongoing basis.
I’ve identified some of the pros and cons of cliques and interactions that resemble cliques. I’m not trying to point fingers at anyone; I’m merely seeking to broaden your perspective. It’s a constant struggle for me personally not to fall into the comfortable pattern of being in a clique, but when I think of Johnny, I think not of this fictitious character, but rather all the friends I have who have been a Johnny at some point in time. I hope you will join with me not in searching for excuses why not to include and fellowship others, but rather in searching for ways to make others feel welcome.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
My quirks
· I arrange the silverware in the dishwasher by type so that when I unload it I don’t have to sort anything out.
· I use coasters religiously. Even on my computer desk.
· I pay attention to the care instructions on clothing.
· I iron my collared shirts.
· I fold all my laundry.
· I plan. Profusely.
· I’m something of an efficiency freak. I think of the world in terms of bottlenecks way more than is healthy. Props if you know what a bottleneck is.
· If you ever wish to die, just do something to my car. Anything. I dare you.
· I know what a crockpot is, I own a fairly nice one, and I use it pretty much every week.
· I own and use regularly three types of shoe polish, three shoe brushes, two pairs of shoe trees, a shine cloth, and a shoe horn.
· I can’t stand it when the serving spoon gets dropped into what it’s serving.
· I’m a single man, yet I cook. You may think that top ramen is in my repertoire, but alas, I have not eaten top ramen in over a decade. Dishes I’ve made include: Moroccan chicken tagine, coconut chicken curry, gnocchi (from scratch) and three cheese chicken noodle. If that’s not a stereotype buster, I don’t know what is.
· I can’t stand the taste of tap water. Interestingly enough, I’ve been the proud owner of several Brita pitcher filters over the years.
· I really appreciate it when drivers make legal turns. You know, the kind where one turns into the near lane, and doesn’t instantly make a beeline for the far most lane possible.
· My name is Matt, and I’m a cleanaholic.
I’m sure I have other quirks that escaped me when compiling this list. Feel free to add to this list on the comments page. :)
· I use coasters religiously. Even on my computer desk.
· I pay attention to the care instructions on clothing.
· I iron my collared shirts.
· I fold all my laundry.
· I plan. Profusely.
· I’m something of an efficiency freak. I think of the world in terms of bottlenecks way more than is healthy. Props if you know what a bottleneck is.
· If you ever wish to die, just do something to my car. Anything. I dare you.
· I know what a crockpot is, I own a fairly nice one, and I use it pretty much every week.
· I own and use regularly three types of shoe polish, three shoe brushes, two pairs of shoe trees, a shine cloth, and a shoe horn.
· I can’t stand it when the serving spoon gets dropped into what it’s serving.
· I’m a single man, yet I cook. You may think that top ramen is in my repertoire, but alas, I have not eaten top ramen in over a decade. Dishes I’ve made include: Moroccan chicken tagine, coconut chicken curry, gnocchi (from scratch) and three cheese chicken noodle. If that’s not a stereotype buster, I don’t know what is.
· I can’t stand the taste of tap water. Interestingly enough, I’ve been the proud owner of several Brita pitcher filters over the years.
· I really appreciate it when drivers make legal turns. You know, the kind where one turns into the near lane, and doesn’t instantly make a beeline for the far most lane possible.
· My name is Matt, and I’m a cleanaholic.
I’m sure I have other quirks that escaped me when compiling this list. Feel free to add to this list on the comments page. :)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
The friendship dilemma
I consider myself an observant person by nature. I pay attention to details and I have a decent enough memory, and because of these traits I’ve witnessed a very clear pattern over the years: there are substantial barriers for single people of the opposite sex to simply become friends. As a guy, naturally I view this subject with most of my attention focused on what I’ve seen girls do that prevent friendships from forming. However, please don’t infer from my comments below that I think that all girls are bad and all boys are great. That’s just ludicrous, and hopefully I don’t portray myself to be that narrow-minded.
My perception is that the number one reason why many girls miss out on some good opportunities to develop friendships is simply because they are so worried that a guy will ask them out. To many girls, most in fact, I must say the following: don’t flatter yourself honey. Pretentious is a pretty strong word, but it’s fairly applicable here, especially when a friendly hi is viewed as flirting, or a casual conversation interpreted as an interest in going out. Please come down from your figurative castle in the sky and play with the rest of us. Being normal might come as a tragic realization, but that’s the shoe that fits most of us. Prince Charming probably will not gallop up to your castle tower, his golden locks flowing in the warm summer breeze, and sweep you off your feet onto his white stallion. I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but that’s pretty much how it is.
Anyway, back to what prevents people from becoming friends, this whole scared-to-death-of-being-asked-out-like-it’s-the-plague thing. So what if the guy asks you on a date? It’s not the end of the world, is it? It’s not like you asked him. Isn’t a date just a date? It doesn’t mean you’re exclusive, it doesn’t mean you like him, it just means that you have a heart and are willing to get to know the guy in a dating situation. Not a big deal.
If your concern is that you’re worried about being seen with the guy, then you probably have some other issues to work on as well. Honestly, anyone whose opinion matters will recognize that you are on a date because you were asked, not because you hand-picked the fella. In my opinion, if you’re not interested in a second date but one is requested, well, be open and honest. Also know that a lot of guys are quite daft, especially when they have their eyes set on a specific chica, so don’t rely too much on subtle hints – most of the male race is oblivious to subtlety. My hunch says that being open and honest is the hard part (and is often inevitable), the part that girls everywhere seek to avoid. Hence why the friendly hi or the casual conversation can be twisted into something it’s not – some girls are so worried about the potential of having to be open and honest (remember, the hard part) that complete avoidance is the road most traveled.
Another barrier I’ve noticed is the reluctance of some girls to spend less time with their family and more time with their friends and acquaintances. To be offensively blunt: cut the cord! Any guy who is worth his salt values independence in a girl. It’s quite a turn off to think that a girl who is super clingy to her family will likely be super clingy to her husband. No thank you. Please don’t think I’m an advocate of shunning one’s family – no way! For most guys, it’s extremely important for a girl to be family-oriented. I am a strong proponent of balance. It’s just that I’ve seen so many instances where the balance is tilted toward the family so much that other aspects of life are non-existent and opportunities are lost.
A few words for the dudes out there. Guys, please think before you act. Think about whether you really should be pursuing a certain girl – is she out of your league? You can determine this by asking yourself a few additional questions: how does this particular girl rank amongst other girls on the traits you look for? How do you feel you rank amongst other guys on the traits you feel you bring to the table? If there’s a discrepancy there, don’t be too optimistic about how things will pan out. You may want to just move on. If you’re still not sure, ask a friend. Or ask ten friends. Doing so could easily save you time and spare you from potential rejection, but it will also help the girls out there to feel more comfortable around our half of the human race.
I haven’t brought up the good things that I’ve seen, so I’ll end with a positive comment. Props to all the girls who are consistently friendly without being overly concerned about if a guy just wants to be friends or if he wants to try the dating thing. I would like to personally thank you. I’ve met a lot of people myself and have seen this un-friendship pattern enough that I truly do appreciate genuine friendliness. When I notice that a girl is handling a tough situation with a good level of maturity, I have more respect for her. Your efforts do not go unnoticed.
As far as take-away’s are concerned, the single biggest point I’d like to emphasize is this: friendly vibes do not necessarily equal dating vibes. If more people would put aside their worries and fears about what MAY happen, then we would all have a better time.
My perception is that the number one reason why many girls miss out on some good opportunities to develop friendships is simply because they are so worried that a guy will ask them out. To many girls, most in fact, I must say the following: don’t flatter yourself honey. Pretentious is a pretty strong word, but it’s fairly applicable here, especially when a friendly hi is viewed as flirting, or a casual conversation interpreted as an interest in going out. Please come down from your figurative castle in the sky and play with the rest of us. Being normal might come as a tragic realization, but that’s the shoe that fits most of us. Prince Charming probably will not gallop up to your castle tower, his golden locks flowing in the warm summer breeze, and sweep you off your feet onto his white stallion. I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but that’s pretty much how it is.
Anyway, back to what prevents people from becoming friends, this whole scared-to-death-of-being-asked-out-like-it’s-the-plague thing. So what if the guy asks you on a date? It’s not the end of the world, is it? It’s not like you asked him. Isn’t a date just a date? It doesn’t mean you’re exclusive, it doesn’t mean you like him, it just means that you have a heart and are willing to get to know the guy in a dating situation. Not a big deal.
If your concern is that you’re worried about being seen with the guy, then you probably have some other issues to work on as well. Honestly, anyone whose opinion matters will recognize that you are on a date because you were asked, not because you hand-picked the fella. In my opinion, if you’re not interested in a second date but one is requested, well, be open and honest. Also know that a lot of guys are quite daft, especially when they have their eyes set on a specific chica, so don’t rely too much on subtle hints – most of the male race is oblivious to subtlety. My hunch says that being open and honest is the hard part (and is often inevitable), the part that girls everywhere seek to avoid. Hence why the friendly hi or the casual conversation can be twisted into something it’s not – some girls are so worried about the potential of having to be open and honest (remember, the hard part) that complete avoidance is the road most traveled.
Another barrier I’ve noticed is the reluctance of some girls to spend less time with their family and more time with their friends and acquaintances. To be offensively blunt: cut the cord! Any guy who is worth his salt values independence in a girl. It’s quite a turn off to think that a girl who is super clingy to her family will likely be super clingy to her husband. No thank you. Please don’t think I’m an advocate of shunning one’s family – no way! For most guys, it’s extremely important for a girl to be family-oriented. I am a strong proponent of balance. It’s just that I’ve seen so many instances where the balance is tilted toward the family so much that other aspects of life are non-existent and opportunities are lost.
A few words for the dudes out there. Guys, please think before you act. Think about whether you really should be pursuing a certain girl – is she out of your league? You can determine this by asking yourself a few additional questions: how does this particular girl rank amongst other girls on the traits you look for? How do you feel you rank amongst other guys on the traits you feel you bring to the table? If there’s a discrepancy there, don’t be too optimistic about how things will pan out. You may want to just move on. If you’re still not sure, ask a friend. Or ask ten friends. Doing so could easily save you time and spare you from potential rejection, but it will also help the girls out there to feel more comfortable around our half of the human race.
I haven’t brought up the good things that I’ve seen, so I’ll end with a positive comment. Props to all the girls who are consistently friendly without being overly concerned about if a guy just wants to be friends or if he wants to try the dating thing. I would like to personally thank you. I’ve met a lot of people myself and have seen this un-friendship pattern enough that I truly do appreciate genuine friendliness. When I notice that a girl is handling a tough situation with a good level of maturity, I have more respect for her. Your efforts do not go unnoticed.
As far as take-away’s are concerned, the single biggest point I’d like to emphasize is this: friendly vibes do not necessarily equal dating vibes. If more people would put aside their worries and fears about what MAY happen, then we would all have a better time.
Monday, April 21, 2008
This Mormon boy's alcohol
I know people who turn to alcohol when life gets rough. Okay, not too many, I do live in Idaho Falls and I associate mostly with members of the LDS Church. Anyway, the idea is to drink away one’s problems, or so I hear. I think that’s the most clichéd example. Some people use cigarettes and others turn to shopping, eating, cleaning, et cetera to distract themselves from reality.
I discovered a long time ago that music is my alcohol.
I’m passionate about music. Listening to music that is. I don’t have any musical talent whatsoever, so I contribute by partaking. I’m sure that my interest in music is partly due to growing up in Seattle, where a lot of attention is placed on new and original music. I remember when Nirvana first got big in Seattle, then the world. I really get into certain songs – some for their great music and instrumentation, others for their witty or thoughtful lyrics, and others still for their lyrics that relate so well to my own situation. It’s therapeutic for me.
You can only imagine how much I enjoy my iPod. It was easily the best material item my parents ever gave me for Christmas. I’ve been with my black 80GB video classic for over a year now and I use it several hours every day. I recently had a hard wire installed in my car to replace the slightly static-prone FM transmitter I had been using. Then just a few days ago I purchased the black Bose Sounddock Portable. Now I can listen to music while I’m getting ready in the morning, something I haven’t done for quite a long time.
I believe there’s an adage that says something about how great ideas can come while one is in the shower. I appreciate that idea; it’s rung true in my life more times than I can count. I think it boils down to this: as a society, we are so busy and go-go-go all the time that we often neglect the time we should all take to just think, to ponder (and a routine, thoughtless occurence such as taking a shower allows for a form of pondering to take place). I am so very guilty of this.
Having recognized this, then why on earth would I even consider hindering any kind of flow of ideas by listening to music? Firstly, I simply enjoy listening to music. It is what it is. Secondly, well, sometimes I think about things too much. You know, replay them over and over and over again. Who am I kidding, sometimes is an understatement. At times it can be a type of slow, self-inflicted torture. I don’t know about you, but I’m not down with torture. It’s not exactly one my favorite pastimes. So, music comes to the rescue. I can numb the pain of whatever is either tugging at my heart strings or just won’t get out of my head. I can alleviate the torture. Whew.
But it’s all just a band-aid: music serves only as a form of procrastination. The problem is still there, at the back of my mind even. Yes, I can hear you utter “duh.” If you know me at all, you know that I’m a pretty confrontational person; I like to work through things, often tackling them head-on. So why would I follow this pattern of delaying the inevitable, if only in my own mind? What I have found is that another adage, “time heals all wounds,” has a lot of truth to it. In changing the timing of when I actually cope with whatever is on my mind, time lapses and more often than not the situation is easier to deal with. Maybe I find strength from some other source, like a friend or a family member or something I read.
Lately I’ve been thinking more about the amount of numbing I’ve tried to infuse in my life, especially since my Bose acquisition. I’ve resolved that I don’t want to take the easy way out all the time. The last thing I want to do is create a dependence of any kind that could keep me from learning a valuable lesson or two. While music is a reliable form of therapy for me (not to mention a hobby), I don’t want to ignore the principles of learning and coping. I suppose I’ll just keep working toward the seemingly unachievable goal of balance in this.
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